February 12, 20 days before surgery

So today was the point of no return ... I paid the non-refundable deposit and somehow I'm having less and less doubt that I made the right decision of having a rhinoplasty together with a lower lid surgery to get rid of the bags under my eyes.. (the pic here is deceiving - I corrected the bags with a good photo-editor :-))))
I hope I didn't rush, that I wanted to have it done while Mom is still here, so I only saw Dr. Adamson once, never saw his before/after pics, and greatly relied on the Rhinoplasty Board, which is a good place to get info on p/s ... but it's done, surgery is on Tuesday, March 4.

I always wanted to have a smaller nose, and this desire just increased last year when I started to do 'on camera' work ... gee, do I look awful on camera or what? Anyhow, I will consider this surgery a test, if it works out well I'll take it as a sign to pursue an acting career more seriously, and if not, I'll just proceed to plan B, and start training in naturopathy...

Today was the opening night for Mozart's Impresario and it went surprisingly well, comparing to the dress rehearsal yesterday, when I got so sick I thought I'll die 10 mins before rehearsal.. I guess, it must have been the stress of whether to go ahead and book the surgery or not - beside being on the first day of my period - what a damn bad timing... I even sang the high D in the Finale with no difficulty at all - which I've never done before ;-)  (I'll take this as another sign that I made the right decision :-)))))

February 24, 8 days before surgery

I  have a cold today and called in sick at work, although I have a rehearsal in the afternoon which I may have to attend even being sick - what a drag - but I really hope I can get myself in top shape by next week...

Last week  I had my nasal airflow test (a bit annoying but not quite that bad) and my medical photos done, eye-test for the blepharoplasty which will be done the same time with my nose (that is lower eyelid surgery that'll get rid of the bags under my eyes), and I still have to see my family doctor tomorrow and have a white blood cell count test, and then I'm ready to go...
I finally got my mom - well if not fully - support me, or at least she doesn't have that horrified look on her face every time I mention my plastic surgery and she agreed to drive me to the clinic and back and be there... That's nice.
Yesterday was the last "Impresario" performance for me - it went really well, and the difficult part is over - all I have left is a few chorus nights and the performance on Sunday at the HCCC, two days before the surgery and I just hope I won't be too stressed out to sing...
On Monday I'll have my final pre-op consultation with Dr. Adamson and then I can just hope for the best.
I'm trying not to think about the surgery too much, as at this point it won't help, the decision has been made and if God/destiny hasn't given me a sign not to do it, and it will still go wrong, then it was ment to be wrong... I believe in Karma, and the fact that all things happen on purpose, including a surgery going wrong - I know I'm being a bit too fatal here, but I'm prepared for the worst while hoping for the best! :-)

There is also the issue of facing criticism after the surgery - as posted by someone on the board - something that I don't like to think about too much - but people's opinion never affected me too deeply and I'm sure I'll be able to cope with it as it comes. 
I'm thinking of my sister, and some people in the community who know me and seen me perform - but I think no one has the right to really criticize such a personal decision, just as they can't criticize if I change my hair colour, so all there will be left is unsolicited opinions which I couldn't care less about - unless they are positive :-)))

March 2, 2 days before surgery

It's getting close, the past days were so hectic though, I couldn't think too much about the surgery. I've seen Dr. Adamson's before and after pics, not too impressive, but I still trust him somehow. Everything is set, I booked out at the Agency, I finished all my assignments, took on no further concerts or anything, and I'm looking forward to the surgery and a new me. It's almost like I'm closing one chapter of my life, and will be starting a completely new one ... a bit scary but still very exciting...
Tomorrow is my pre-op consultation, my mom will come with me and try to remember the drive so she can drive me back after the surgery.

March 3, 1 day before surgery

I had my pre-op consultation with Dr. Adamson. He is very nice, very professional, and I feel I discussed everything with him in detail, and he took notes of everything, even of my comment - if he's ever in doubt during surgery, just make less changes rather then more. I feel that being on the same page with your surgeon in every detail is very important for a positive outcome, and Dr. Adamson sure has a way to communicate with people in a very subtle and empathetic way... He even won over my mom, who was very hesitant about being part of it, but now I feel she is much more comfortable with the whole thing. 
We spent almost the whole day downtown, shopping, came home tired, and while she was driving, I was looking in the mirror at my old nose and thought - well, I won't see you much longer anymore - time for a new, updated version :-)))
I'm trying to use my sense of humor to cover up for the building tension, I was very brave so far, but I really don't want to think of the moment when I'll have to change into the hospital gown and step into the surgery room. They gave me a pill for sleeping   - as I requested - but the last thing I want to do is sleep, although I can barely keep my eyes open...
Anyhow, tomorrow around this time everything will be over, and hopefully well done...
I'm so curious what will he make out of my nose, and whether people will notice afterwards or not. I haven't told anyone except my family and my close friend Monika, and I will be going out (hopefully) with the girls from the opera workshop next Saturday to the Babaloo's salsa dancing, and it will be so exciting to see if they notice any change or not...
I'll go take a shower now, get ready for bed, and set my clock to 5 AM (what a drag...) as we have to leave here at 6... I guess I'll be making up for my sleep in the surgery room. God help me with all this! :-))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

March 4, SURGERY

I was able to go to sleep easily the night before, surprisingly, but I only had 5 hours of sleep, as I had to get up at 5 AM, be downtown at 6:45. I wasn't nervous at all, the drive was smooth, me and my mom got in at 6:50, met the nurses who were getting ready, they gave me a gown to change into, the went back out to the reception area to chat with my mom until Dr. Adamson arrived. Then I met the anesthetist, a woman who's name I forgot, and who asked me a few questions, and discussed that my throat may be sore after surgery due to the tube they were going to insert down my throat for anesthesia. Then Dr. Adamson came in, he seemed a bit sleepy and secretly I was hoping he had a good night's rest and a good breakfast before he puts the knife in my head :-))) ... He was actually very nice and comforting, I asked a couple of more questions, then the nurse came in, told me to give my mom a big hug because we are going in. Oh, boy... So I did, and she then led me into the sterile operating room where everyone was waiting for me fully equipped - that's when I felt the goose bumps on my back, and when I sat down on the table and the anesthetist asked me to lie die so she can insert the needle in the back of my hand to give me the sleeping medication, I knew this won't just work that easily... I just couldn't lie down, gritted my teeth and was panicking... So they asked me if I wanted to see Dr. Adamson. I think I said nothing, then they called him anyway and he came in and was so nice again, told me to squeeze his hand, asked me what was wrong, told me that it's normal to get so nervous - I think all I said at one point was "I'm not sure I want to do this" no I regret it of course, and I feel bad I still haven't had the chance to apologize.. So I was a complete chicken - and I think they must have lied me down firmly or something, but at one point the needle was in and I started to feel sleepy , I looked at the doc and said "I'm so scared" and then everything went BLANK.

When I woke up all I could hear was voices but couldn't open my eyes, I was soooo sleepy - I remember a burning sore throat, extreme thirst, some remote pain, a nurse giving me water every time I asked for, holding my mom's hand in a moment, oh yes and I asked the time, it was past noon, so my surgery was a good 4 hrs - they've done my eyes first, then the nose. Around 2:30 PM the nurse told me we were going to get dressed - I was like drunk - my vision blurred and couldn't stand straight without support. I remember asking my mom if we were already being kicked out and she said yes, there were lots of patients waiting outside. So that was it. The fresh air in the car woke me up a bit and I was able to monitor my mom's driving and give her directions when she got into the wrong lane - she's not used to driving in Toronto. And so we got home, and I went right back to bed, popped in a Tylenol 3 and started my extreme fluid intake which added up by the end of the day to about 2 liters of water, 1 liter of chamomile tea and some juice. I also had some whole wheat crackers soaked in milk and some clear veggie soup - I couldn't eat any solids as my upper lips were frozen and and had to keep my nose from moving. They pain was close to a real bad headache so I took another Tylenol 3 at night before going to bed and sometime in the morning.

March 5, day 1 post-op

I had a tough night mainly because of the mouth breathing. My nose was stuffed - and still is so my mouth and throat went paper dry every 20 mins or so and I had to get a sip of water. That was quite annoying. Then sometime in the morning I started walking up the stairs - bad idea - and I blacked out, and sat down on the floor just in time not to crash like a rock. My mom coincidentally happened to wake up around the same time - 5 AM, and tried to help me back into bed, but every time I got in vertical position my ears started ringing and I blacked out. So she woke up my husband who called the clinic, and they said, I just have to get back to bed and rest. So they carried me, and then I was fine. I got quite weak and couldn't get up, not even to the washroom, so my mom improvised a quick potty-solution :-))) hey these are facts of life!
Next morning there was 20 cm's of snow outside, storm alert in Toronto, terrible driving conditions, roads jammed, vehicles in ditches, accidents everywhere, -  we live in Woodbridge, AND I had my first post-op consult scheduled for 10 AM! 
At 9 AM I was desperately calling the clinic, and telling them that first of all I couldn't get up, second, I could drive down even less, so Dr. Doud Galli - who was I believe the assistant doc during the surgery - gave me a break, she told me to just stay home and rest and take the gauze out of my nose myself - which she was supposed to do - and I was quite happy with that!  

I rested most of the day, and cleaned my eye and nose sutures a few times. My face was swollen and I was bruised with raccoon style blue circles under my eyes. I was eating mostly light foods, lots of fluids.
By the evening I was feeling even more sick - and my fears came true -  I got my period about 4 days early - brought forward by the trauma of the surgery I guess, and my first day of period is bad enough even without the surgery - so I knew I just had to hang on for another day... 

March 6, day 2 post-op

One of my most miserable days -  a combination of surgery and period pains - what a bad timing... Had some light foods, lots of fluids, splitting head and tummy ache combined with the feeling of a broken nose once in a while, took all kinds of Tylenol again. Did my suture cleaning diligently out of fear of pain when removing them on Saturday and I had my daughter's baby monitor in my room so I can communicate with the "nurses on duty ;-)" when I needed something. 
My bruises turned to yellowish and the swelling was a bit worse, but I spent a lot of time applying cool icy compresses, which seemed to alleviate the headache, too.

March 7, day 3 post-op

I got through the worst of my period pain, and the broken nose pain/headache slowly diminished, actually my bruising almost disappeared. In the afternoon I managed to make a trip to the kitchen - which takes about 18 stairs - it took me about 10 mins but I was quite happy with that, had dinner upstairs, and then moved on to the top floor (We live in a townhouse with 6 levels...:-(  ), checked my emails, then the best part: took a shower and washed my hair. My mom put a plastic stool in the bathtub, and I washed my hair without getting the cast on my nose wet - yayy!!!! :-))) (the trick: a piece of plastic bag  taped over my face) That made me feel so good. 

March 8, day 4 post-op

I had a good night's sleep, with no pain, no medication... At 9 I got dressed, my mom drove me downtown to have my sutures removed. I was feeling a bit light-headed. The sutures came out fairly easily although I did wince a couple of times - minor discomfort...

My face looks a bit better but still swollen, and weird - I just don't look like me. But I'm very anxious to see my nose on Wednesday, when Dr. Adamson will remove the cast. Right now all I can make out of it is that it's smaller than before, but then the swelling looks like as if I just were at the dentist. 
I have no pain whatsoever, just some feeling of tension in my nose once in a while.
I'm still tired and weak but getting back to normal and feel quite positive and cheerful. My mom made fresh carrot and beet juice to help restore my blood. I watched some TV, played with my 2 year-old daughter - watching that she doesn't get too excited and jump over my nose accidentally. I'll take some pictures today to post, although I'm not yet the prettiest sight :-)

March 10, day 6 post-op

Things are getting back to normal, except walking the stairs is still a challenge, I get dizzy. No pain, but my nose sometimes itches and I can't scratch it because of the cast :-)
I went to Fabricland with my mom today, some people were staring at me, I probably wasn't a pretty sight with a cast on my nose and my face now almost totally yellow from the bruising, but it's going down and the swelling, too. Plus I didn't care too much. The nights are still a tough thing - mouth breathing sucks ... And I haven't mentioned that since the surgery I'm sleeping with an elevated head - to speed up recovery and minimize swelling - and that's also something that takes time getting used to. 

this picture is DAY 5 -->
(cast on, facial swelling, some yellow bruising)

March 12, day 8 post-op

Last night I had a good night's sleep first time since the surgery, I was able to breath to my nose - what a relief! 

Today I had the cast removed from my nose. It was done by Dr. Doud Galli who removed the sutures the other day. It wasn't quite a pleasant feeling as my nose is still very tender and it took some pulling to remove the cast which was glued on, but it wasn't that bad. Then she gave me the mirror and left me alone for about 10 mins while I was studying my new nose, which looked quite weird.
It was swollen, especially the tip, the cartilage graft he placed behind the depression of the nostrils quite bumpy and visible on the left side (the right side ok), and my nostrils seem to be too large and their shape lizard-like.
Dr. Adamson came in then, checked out my nose, showed me how to do nose exercising - basically applying light pressure on the sides of my nose with my fingers to help get rid of the swelling, and he mentioned something about supporting the left side of my septum with cartilage - which now I'm sorry I didn't clarify with him, it sounded like something he ended up having to do during surgery due to a problem with my septum he noticed once he opened it up.  I remembered that although I discussed every aspect of my nose with him before the surgery, I missed one: my nostrils, and he never mentioned it either. I wonder of my nostrils will close a bit, now they seem to be too open...
He also said not to be too critical about my nose just yet, because it will take a couple of weeks for the swelling to go down. He was nice as usual - but I would have liked to talk to him more, ask him about the surgery in detail - and I don't know why I haven't done it, as it will be more difficult in two weeks when I'll have a follow-up visit, because he will probably forget the details.
After I went home, I was staring at the mirror every time I went by, and started worrying. Mostly because of the grafts, which make my nose very wide at the tip and when I touch them, it doesn't feel like swelling that will go down, it is quite hard... 
The truth is, when I discussed this with Dr. Adamson at the pre-op consultation, I wasn't sure whether to have it done or not, and he suggested why don't I try it, because it will help my breathing, and then, if it bothers me esthetically, he can still easily remove it... I just have a feeling that the grafts will have to go, and I'm so freaked out to have another procedure, even if it is a quick one with local anesthesia - according to him...
Anyhow, I did read about post-op depression and worrying, and I know it's way too early to judge, so I'll give it another 2 weeks, and try to not spend so much time in front of the mirror...
However, my profile looks wonderful, and I'm looking forward to finally wear my hair up and out of my face without having second thought about the length and shape of my nose ... :-) 

March 13, day 9 post-op

These are the first pics with the cast off. The profile and three quarters view is not that bad but the front view is that "punched in the nose one....

March 14, day 10 post-op

I get tremendous support from the Rhinoplasty Board and that is so great! I feel so much better - I realized I just have to hang in there and things will just get better anyway. I trust Dr. Adamson's professionalism - he could not have done a bad job. So I'll just wait. My eyes are very tired since the surgery, I guess I have some invisible inflammation underneath the eye-sutures.
Otherwise there is no other significant change yet - my nose s still swollen and I look a bit like I was punched in the nose, but I when I go out I put on make-up and try to look normal...

I dropped off my daughter this morning at the babysitter, and there was a moment of her staring at me surprised - but then she quickly moved her gaze away not to seem rude - this was the first reaction of someone who knows me and did not know about the surgery... 
Actually.. there is more coming and I'm a bit apprehensive about it. Tomorrow night I'll be going out with the girls from the opera workshop - we are going salsa dancing to the Babaloo's. Not that I will be dancing a lot, but we'll have dinner first and then I'll probably be sitting around mostly, or maybe have a dance or two at the most... I feel totally recovered from the surgery but I do get tired fast. So I've been working/rehearsing/singing/performing with these girls 3 nights a week for the past 6 months... They know nothing about the surgery. What will they say? What will I say? First of all, I decided to wait for their reaction. If it's a shocking one, I'll tell them. If it is minor, I'll just say I was at the dentist, and my top teeth were frozen, and my upper lip, and my face and nose is a bit swollen. See if they buy this. I hope I won't embarrass myself - but this will be an interesting experience and test of how can I take people's reaction to this change in my life. I think what I'll do, I'll go to my nail-guy, have my nails done and test him today. If the change is greatly visible, he'll ask for sure... 

March 15, day 11 post-op

I think I'm getting used to my nose, it doesn't seem quite that ugly or the swelling IS going down... I still can't breath through my nose only about 30-50%, and sometimes at night (in horizontal position) it clears out so I can sleep.
I went to have my nails done, and the nail-guy said nothing. He wasn't even staring. At the beginning it seems to me there was surprise in his eyes for a split of a second but nothing more. We chatted through the whole time and I was making an effort to talk and laugh as normally as possible. So that's that. But it maybe that he is very discreet and just won't bring it up.

We'll see tonight. I'm anxious about what the girls will say. I think I underestimated my concern about people's reaction, however, tonight I will face the most critical group - career oriented girls my age, girls with the same style, same interests...if I go though that, the rest will be easy, even my sister in Europe... Sometimes I'm wondering if it would have been better telling them before that I was going to have surgery. But then, what for... We'll see.

Ready for the salsa-experience -->

DAY 11 pictures:

March 16, day 12 post-op

Last night it went well. When I arrived to Babaluu's, two of the girls were there. I detected a hint of surprise when they first looked at me, but no comments or staring. So I sat down and started chatting with them, making a huge effort to seem natural despite my numb upper lip - but then I was telling them an animated story and they were watching me, suddenly I stopped: "Girls, don't look at my face, I can't talk properly, my face and lips are numb, I was at the dentist, and it's still frozen". "So that's what it is!"- Ilona exclaimed "I was wondering if you had some Botox injection or that lip augmentation thing!" . "No way" - I said and we left it at that. Dr. Adamson was right by saying that it is not my nose people will notice as different... Anyhow, Andrea and Anna arrived later, I saw the same moment of surprise in their eyes but no questions asked. 
We had dinner, a drink or two and at 11 the dance started, it just happened that a guy came up to me to take me for a dance and it was the greatest salsa-experience I ever had, but after about 30 minutes of non-stop, high energy dancing I started feeling exhausted and paper-dry, I knew I had to stop before something happens to my nose - I know I'm still not supposed to do high-impact exercise yet... I had a headache, probably from the smoke, too. I went to the washroom and as I looked in the mirror I looked very ugly and alien-like, with my weird, wide nose. I had a bottle of water, danced some more afterwards and at 12:30 AM I left much to the disappointment of the girls. But - I bet after I left, they must have discussed the issue of my weirdness between themselves... The issue may still come up later, when we will go out again, but so far so good...

March 18, 2 weeks post-op

It is definitely true that there are "good nose days" and "bad nose days"... Yesterday was a bad one, it was my first day back at work, and my boss was really annoying about my nose. Initially he only asked me how am I feeling and told me "gee you do look different!" (I told him I had the surgery because a breathing problem) , but then he took every occasion to make a remark about it, half-jokingly, and by the end of the day I was pissed off and depressed... I guess that's part of the package. Today I have to drive with him downtown to see a client and I'm not looking forward to some more chatting about my nose...

And of course last night I was studying my nose in the mirror for ages again, wondering when will it get better...

One thing I haven't mentioned about the surgery, is that I got phlebitis on my left lower arm just above where the IV was inserted, that is an inflammation of the veins, caused by the medication being injected into my veins too fast, which caused them to burst. It is quite painful, and after two weeks it didn't get any better. My family doc did say it takes a long time, and I haven't had the time to keep an ice-pack on it very often... My skin and veins are thin and sensitive, that's why, and Dr. Doud Galli told me if they had known this, they could have given me an injection to dilate my veins first, and/or take it real slowly with injecting the anaesthetic...

April 28 , 8 weeks post-op

I haven't been updating too much lately, first because I was busy, second because I was in stand-by mode waiting for some definition for my nose as the swelling goes down. In the meantime I had my 3 weeks post-op consult with Adamson, where he looked pleased with the results, but was just a bit surprised when I swamped him with questions, most of which were generalities about how long before I could see something permanent, but I also asked why the alar batten grafts seem to be asymmetrical on the two sides of my nose, and he said - well, we always try to make it symmetrical but sometimes they shift . The alar batten grafts were a last minute decision the day before the surgery, aimed at improving both my breathing and the appearance, and I brought the issue up again the morning of  the surgery, being concerned about the visibility of the grafts in photos, because I'm doing camera work, and he said I shouldn't worry about it, in the worst case he can remove it for me in 15 minutes under local anesthesia if necessary, it would be a fast an easy procedure. So we left it at that.

Now, after 8 weeks as the swelling goes down, I'm more and more concerned about the grafts, as they are more visible,  I really don't like them, and definitely want them removed. I will contact him soon to discuss it, only I don't know how early can this be done, as we never discussed it. 
I still feel congested, my breathing is about 70% back.

He did a great job on my profile, which is a great improvement, see these before and afters, but the front view I don't like - now there is still swelling I guess, but right now my nose seems larger then before from the front.

BEFORE ...................................................................AFTER 11 DAYS.............................   ........................AFTER 8 WEEKS
I                      

FRONT VIEW AT 8 WEEKS

The picture in the middle with the arrows shows the most the asymmetry, which seems to become more visible as the swelling goes down.... I suppose the tip will narrow a bit more in time.... (Hopefully).... Oh, and I have to find some good "before" pictures that show the front view, and post it for comparison.

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